Hurricane Bells
by HellaCullen
Summary: Edward thought he had the sweetest girlfriend in the whole world. That is, until a certain time of the month rolled around. One-shot, crackfic, ExB, rated M for language


**This is a little piece I wrote as part of the Twilight 25 contest that I entered with Duskwatcher. I thought it was a lot of fun, and I wanted to share it with you guys.**

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In my 108 years as an immortal vampire, I'd witnessed all the horrors of this world and even some beyond it. I'd battled many demons, both literally and internally. For the longest time, I'd let it drag me down and had lost myself in my suffering. Then when I'd least expected it, the most precious creature I'd ever seen came into my life and made it all better.

Her name was Isabella Swan, but she preferred to be called Bella. She was beautiful, sweet, innocent, and everything else I'd never realized I'd wanted. She was also human, a complication that had almost kept me from pursuing her altogether. Almost.

It had taken us a little while to work out the kinks of how our relationship would work, but we'd finally figured it out. I learned how to adjust to her fragile body, and she managed to accept my limitations of normalcy. Everything ran smooth as silk at that point. That is, until the day Bella went crazy.

The one human factor I hadn't accounted for was Bella's female hormones. It turned out, she suffered from an illness once a month that the humans refer to as PMS. I'd learned in medical school all about the process of menstruation, but there was little mention of this little demon. Moodiness? Irritability? I don't think so. This was worse than Rosalie on a bad day! Scarier than Alice at a half-off sale!

It all happened yesterday when I picked up Bella for a day of hiking…

"Seriously, enough with all the self-loathing emo shit already!" Bella screamed as she unceremoniously dug through her closet in search of her hiking boots, throwing various mismatched shoes behind her that now covered the floor. "I thought vampires were so supposed to be all big, bad, and scary. But noooo, I had to get the one vampire who was all sensitive!"

"Bella, please. You don't know what you're saying."

"Whoever heard of a damn vegetarian vampire, anyway?" she continued. "You are the worst excuse for a monster ever!"

I didn't know what to do. Her PMS had reached an all-time high this morning, and I wasn't finding anything amusing about her attitude today. We were supposed to be going hiking, but I wondered if we didn't need to go see Carlisle and get her on some kind of medication first.

She ignored me and continued her rant. "I mean, what's the point of dating a blood- sucking killer if you can't get him to kill people for you?"

I shook my head. "Bella, I've already explained to you why I can't do that."

She turned around and rolled her eyes at me. "All I asked was that you take out Lauren Mallory and possibly Jessica Stanley for me. Really, how hard is that?"

"There's a name for what you're asking of me, Bella. It's called murder." I reached for her, but she moved away from me and shook her finger at me accusingly.

"Fuck that!" she screamed. "For me, maybe it's murder. For you, though, it's called dinner!"

I let out a heavy sigh. There was just no way to rationalize with her right now. "Love, I think you may need some—"

"Sex!" She interrupted. "I need to get laid, Edward. Like yesterday. But, I can't even get you to slip me the tongue. How fucked up is that?"

"I don't want to hurt you," I said quietly, looking down at the floor.

She began to pace across the room. "Maybe I want you to! Did you ever consider that? You know, some girls get off on that shit! Of course, I have no way of finding out if I'm one of them…"

I decided it was time to surrender. Treading lightly, I offered my plea. "What can I do, Bella? How can I make this better?"

"Bite me already! She gave a little smirk. "Then, we can have sex for weeks, and I can take those bitches out myself!"

"That's it!" I growled, picking her up and throwing her over my shoulder. "We're going to see Carlisle."

"What the hell for?" she demanded as I raced down the stairs.

I was tired of being nice. "Because I think you need to have your head examined. That's why."

Her tiny fists started pounding on my back, but it felt more like a tickle. "Put me down, Assward!"

_Assward? Why is she comparing me to a farm animal?_

She continued to struggle even after I'd strapped her into the car. She was pouting now, and her bottom lip was poking out in a way reminded me why I love her so much. When she wasn't being psychotic, she was absolutely adorable. "Now, you be good, and maybe I'll give you a Popsicle later," I teased.

She smiled. "Now we're getting somewhere."

I couldn't help but smile. Finally! I'd found something to calm her down. If I'd known it would be that easy, I'd taken her out for ice cream hours ago. "What flavor would you like?"

She reached over and placed her hand in my lap, causing me to jump out of my seat a little. "Vampire."

"Oh God, Bella, not again…"

**The End**

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**A/N: So, what did you guys think? Was it just right or completely over-the-top? Leave me a review and let me know! :-)**

**Also, Happy Thanksgiving everyone!**


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